


Sakura

by Hhhkel



Series: Fragment [2]
Category: Dir en grey, Jrock
Genre: Confession, Fluff, M/M, a hint of angst if you squint?, alternate canonical universe, cherry blossom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:46:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25667659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hhhkel/pseuds/Hhhkel
Summary: Kyo was everywhere in his memory, in his life, and even this feeling for him that Toshiya held onto dearly with a sense of desperation, had all became an essential part of who he was.
Relationships: Kyo/Toshiya (Dir en grey)
Series: Fragment [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861111
Kudos: 5





	Sakura

Today was the day.  
The day that Toshiya was going to confess his love.  
For real, he was serious when he said he was going to confess. He was determined to do so, to the man that he had secretly had a crush on for years and years. Toshiya even had it all planned out on paper, though he was not usually the type to come up with a meticulous arrangement.

He had been asking around friends to staff members, for a perfectly romantic location. And at last, he set his eyes on a local cherry blossom park around the area of one of Dir En Grey’s touring locations.

The park was of decent size. However, because of it’s slight distance from any public transportation, not much people frequent the area other than the locals. At least that was what the studio technician, who had lived around the place, told Toshiya. 

Perfect then. Adding on top of that, by the time they held concert there, the flowers should also be in full bloom.

So, here he was. Toshiya took the hassle of figuring out the train schedule, covering himself in mask and hat and glasses to prevent being recognized by fans (not that he dislike such encounters, but hey, it’s his “big day.” He really couldn’t risk any incidents.) With constant questioning looks from pedestrians and the most important person on his side, Toshiya prayed that he wouldn’t get lost as he finally managed his way out of the train station. 

Here he finally stood, in front of the man he had had a crushed on for so long.

Kyo looked up questioningly at Toshiya, his pink-dyed hair perfectly matching the blossoming Sakura swaying and flowing all around them.

Even though Kyo agreed his proposal of the trip just like this without further asking, Toshiya could still feel him casting inquiry looks to his side. Toshiya even had all the excuses thought out elaborately in his mind. But in the end, Kyo said nothing. 

It was time like this, Toshiya appreciated the elder man’s thoughtfulness.

As Toshiya opened his mouth, emotions gushed through him overwhelmingly similar to the adrenaline rush before stage. 

He thought about the time they met, Kyo instantly snatching all his attention away, even under those half broken stage light of that old worn-out livehouse. 

He thought about how happy he was, losing all the words in his mind, when Kyo approached him first before he could mustered up any courage to do so. 

And their shared sense in fashion; the way a toothy grin appeared on Kyo’s face when he realized that they just so happened to wear the same clothes only in different size that other day. 

The night that Kyo drank more than he was supposed to. The time when horrible things happened. Kyo looked at Toshiya as if the world had crashed and burned right onto him. But all that Toshiya could do, was covering the other’s ear that he thought couldn’t hear anymore. The spent the night silently together. And the night after. And the night after, the only thing they hold onto, was each other. 

How much Kyo loved his art. How happy he was, in turn, to see Kyo all immersed in the performance.

Toshiya talked a lot, but when it came to those that were truly important, for some reasons he always struggled to express them properly, just like right now. But from the time he joined Dir En Grey, he found himself rarely worried about that though. Kyo put the feelings that he couldn’t transform into words, expressing them all out. It was inevitable, that Toshiya fell for the way the elder man poured his all into his creation.

There were times that Toshiya thought about something was definitely going to happen. But in the end, nothing did other than the times, countless time, Kyo rested his head tiredly on Toshiya’s shoulder during the early day of their shabby crammed tour bus.

From the moment he intended to say something, to this moment that he still stare in futile at the man he loved–– It felt like an eternity, though Toshiya was aware that each thought had simply bursted simultaneously in his mind.

Just like… 

Just like the folklores of ghostly cherry blossom trees, as told by the tech. Night blossoms that would have bloom to the fullest, and proceed to wither over one single night.

Toshiya contemplated everything he loved about the man, and everything that Kyo loved.

Kyo’s art. THEIR art, their performance, their music, their fan––everything that connected Toshiya with the very person he loved, all made him fell deeper and deeper over time.

He really should have done all of these earlier rather than wasting time freaking out over excitement, but still.

Still, they really were all the best things that had happened in Toshiya’s life.

“So…why did you bring me here?” 

From his lost trail of thoughts, Toshiya’s head snapped up at the sound of such gentle voice. He saw Kyo raising an eyebrow, with both hands tucked into the side pockets of his neatly designed suit-style jacket. Which was quite interesting. A mix of street style, but still somewhat casual formal.

By now, Toshiya knew he was just distracting himself with trivial thoughts. He also knew that he was grasping onto faint glimpse of hope, but not forever. He already promised himself before coming here today that he was not going to run away anymore. So, no, he couldn’t just stand here in stupid silence.

Toshiya opened his mouth again.

Realization finally dawned upon him. Funny how now was the time his thoughts pulled themselves together, and the answer became crystal clear.

“Kyo.”

“Yes?” 

Kyo’s expressions were simple compared to when he was on stage, still Toshiya never succeed in reading them,…yet they always managed to captivate him, times and times again. Toshiya looked up, straight into those eyes that he had secretly adored from the day they first met. And by that––

“Look, Kyo.” With the the biggest and most vibrant smile he could give, “Sakura, isn’t it beautiful?” 

––In the end, that was all he said.

Soft fluttery petals were like the butterflies in Toshiya’s stomach, dancing around unpredictably, weightlessly, in all directions, irregardless of his feelings.

Toshiya recalled once hearing a saying that, with how common Sakura trees were all across Japan, the sight of a blooming cherry were bound to trigger memories and sentiments of some important events in life that occurred during the season of Sakura blossom.

He agreed with this whole-heartedly.

Cherry blossom. 

Sakura.

How they resemble the man he had cherished and secretly loved for all these years. 

Kyo was everywhere in his memory, in his life, and even this feeling for him that Toshiya held onto dearly with a sense of desperation, had all became an essential part of who he was.

Now, in front of him, Kyo was staring again. Fair enough. “Beautiful flowers.” That was such a lame reason to bring someone to the middle of nowhere, isn’t it? 

Toshiya shook his head with a faint smile, a hint of bitterness blending within that he himself did not notice. At least, not until Kyo furrowed his eyebrows into a tight knit, that was.

Even with such disapproving expressions, Kyo was beautiful.

Though Toshiya never dare saying that directly to him, those eyes… be they in blurry and lost in pain, shooting death glares from hell, or just like this, simply in confusion, they never failed to take Toshiya’s breath away. And by that, Toshiya meant it. He could have thrown away everything he had in mind at any moment, lost in Kyo’s intense gazes. If he were to protect the lights behind those eyes……

In order to protect the lights glistening behind those eyes. 

Toshiya was never going to risk becoming the burden of Kyo with his selfish affections. 

All that he ever wanted was for Kyo to stay true to himself, keep doing what he loved. Shone as bright as he ever had been. And maybe, just maybe, when he’s tired of running forward, Toshiya could offer a place for Kyo to rest and return to.

And that would be a kind of love, too. Toshiya told himself.

Despite not holding the man of his dream, he’d still be in love, always.

“Yeah…right.” 

Kyo’s unexpected words surprised him. Huffing out a breath, Kyo smirked with both arms folded across his chest.

Toshiya jumped, before he could fully process what’s going on. Worried that he’d subconsciously blurted everything out loud–– such a ridiculous thought was quickly pushed away at the sight of Kyo’s shoulder going down–– which was also when Toshiya realized that Kyo’s posture had been somehow weirdly strained today. 

To think about it, he just dragged Kyo all the way to see some flowers. If Kyo actually had an injury or any muscle sore, if that was the case…oh no.

Toshiya was concerned that he was about to ask something. Nonetheless, that was exactly when Kyo cut through, stomping his steps forward. The burst of volume took Toshiya by surprise.

“Right, flowers are beautiful–– as they should be. And you, Toshiya!”

“Yes?”

“You’re more of an idiot than anyone could ever fucking be!”

Toshiya’s mouth gaped at this sudden insult, lips parting into a small “o”, just enough, and just in time, to prevent a bloody accident when his collar was abruptly pulled down. Toshiya went blank when everything collided. 

Mint-sweet scented breath.

Distance between him and the man he had a crushed on for years and years and years…all of a sudden, reduced to zero.

Everything was pink. Then white. Then blur. He couldn’t think. Toshiya couldn’t think.

Softness like petals. Maybe it was petal. Petal flew and got stuck on his lips.  
But the warmth. A flower could never have that. Short of breath. Heart racing. No, flower did none of that.

When Toshiya finally came back to his sense, Kyo had already let go.

He wiped his mouth of wetness - the evidence of what just occurred– roughly with his oversized draping sleeves. Catching Toshiya’s dumbfound gazes, he shot back glances as daringly as ever.

“And here I thought you were finally going to confess! You have no idea how happy I was, you, fucking, idiot! What is in your head? How could you just stood there and, and flowers are beautiful? What? REALLY?” Both of Kyo’s hands flew into the air in dramatical disbelief.

…Truthfully speaking, Toshiya felt that HE should be the one in shock, not that guy over there. But no. Wait.  
“Wait… Kyo, you know? How did––”

“Really, Toshiya? You ask me that? Who’s the person that couldn’t look me into the eyes for like a week before this? Your eyes should have poked a hole in my back by now, seriously. Also, why else would I even walk half an HOUR with you to some park I don’t even know??”

“But, but I, but…” Toshiya stuttered helplessly like a lost child in futile, until an index finger shot up in front of him, stopping him from further misery.

“Now that we are clear, don’t you ever make me wait alike that again. ‘Kay? ”

Toshiya was tempted to just nod and happily accept everything that felt like a dream…But instead, he found himself staring in awe, as if the person in front of him had suddenly grew two heads and three legs.

“ Hey, Kyo.”

“Hmm?”

“If you knew all along… why don’t you confess? I mean, I did get it right, RIGHT? You…also liked me back?”

“Yes. But no thanks. I am not going to be the first to make a move, ever.”

Fair enough. 

This answer was, well, very Kyo. Toshiya shook his head in quiet laughter, finding himself strangely accepting this non-sense but somehow still understandable statement. 

“Um, Kyo, one more thing. If you don’t mind?”

“What?”

“Please don’t assume anything, I just want to be clear, okay? So, if we are going to be like this. What about…the band?”

“What about the band? And what do you even mean “like this”?”

“Well, you know we are after all……in the entertainment business, and dating, and we are both males and……”

Toshiya squirmed uncomfortably at the sound of his own voice. He hated himself for this, why did he have to sound so insecure? And why did he have to bring it up right now? Shifting his weight from leg to leg, he couldn’t even bring himself to look at Kyo.

“Ha. That. So? That’s what holding you back?”

Toshiya was stunned by the brightness of Kyo’s tone. He was prepared for an angered…or at least, not so positive response from the other. He raised his eyes from his own toes and snuck a glance towards Kyo.

“What about us being together? You know I don’t like talking about a breakup before anything started. But if you insist.” Kyo shrugged a bit, “Your feelings, and mine too, already exist. At least I don’t think mine are gonna change whatever approach we end up choosing to deal with. By the way, is it really any healthier to let your feelings rot within you? Convince me about that all you want. But no, I’m not taking any of it. About the entertainment thing, however,”

Toshiya’s breath hitched for a bit at the sharp look from the other man. Right in front of him, those piercing looks instantly turned into a provocative grin.

“Isn’t it just perfect? Like what’s the worse that could happen? Unless someone snuck a camera into our bedroom, what are people gonna say, “They kissed on stage?” …Okay. Like we haven’t done that before. Some fans might sense stuff, probably. But if they were so hypersensitive to this, they’re definitely the type that'd go all strangely thrilled about it.”

Kyo paused and thought for a bit, “Did I miss anything? The general public, right . I mean…even if they knew who we are, I bet they’d give zero fucks if any paparazzi even bother to provide a story. “Vocalist and Bassist of Dir En Grey spotted on the street together?” Yeah right, how exciting.”

Straight to the point.

Kyo’s words were as powerful as ever. Just like that, he swiftly cleared all the worries that Toshiya couldn’t sort out on his own.

Toshiya knew for sure that he was grinning like an idiot, just as what Kyo said he was. But, who cared? He’s the happiest man on Earth right now.

“So? Your answer?” 

At the demand from the pink-haired, Toshiya nodded frantically. Whatever the question was, the answer would be yes. Yes of course, and Toshiya was so happy. His heart was all light in his chest like those fluttery petals dancing wildly in the wind.

He had the urge to do something, anything, at the moment.

And so he swooped his arm and lifted Kyo right off the ground.

From his expression following the initial shock, the shorter (now also grumpier) man definitely took it as an insult to his height. But all the struggles and kicks and pokes and light punches on his side wasn’t going to make Toshiya let go.

Loud laughter boomed from the depths of his chest and tangled with Kyo’s irritated curses muttered under breath. They twirled round and round until everything became a dizzy pink blur.

Toshiya knew that they were eventually going to tumble and trip to the ground together into a laughing mess probably. But no worries, he thought lightheartedly, there’s plenty of mushy cherry blossom cushioning beneath. 

Even if they fall, they were going to go down together.

Now that he could finally hold the man that he love.  
Toshiya knew at that instant, he was never going to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Kyo actually did say something along the lines of "not making the first move, ever. No way." in some early interviews (2003 if I remembered correctly). I wonder if anything has changed :D


End file.
